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If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they’re going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don’t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that’s my position.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

A man can’t get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load…)

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don’t need.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure — that is all that agnosticism means.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other’s children.

We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

There’s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

O’Toole’s Corollary of Finagle’s Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

I wouldn’t mind dying – it’s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

If you think it’s simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one’s doubts.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C’, the idea must be feasible.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called ‘Ego’.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn’t get bigger or heavier.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

I hope life isn’t a big joke … because I don’t get it.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn’t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me – and by that time no one was left to speak up.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

Am I lightheaded because I’m not dead or because I’m still alive?

Humor is a rubber sword – it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn’t understand me.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

There is only one nature – the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Don’t sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load…)

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Sex is like air. It’s only a big deal if you can’t get any.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Why don’t you write books people can read?

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you think it’s simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Love is the answer – but while you’re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.